10/28/21

My brain is reeling after this day. It is clear that I have a lot to sort out over the coming months.

Approximately four months ago (feels like a lifetime ago if I’m being honest), I got back from my trip to Omaha where I saw my parents. It was a great trip, and I enjoyed it. The second I got back to Red Bluff, I looked around and saw a place that for the first time in my memory, had a lower quality of life than the Midwest. The place was in drought so there was no water, the air was thick with smoke from all of the mismanaged wildfires in the area so there was no outdoor life, homeless and derelicts were in typical plentiful supply wandering the streets (one even tried to light our law office on fire shortly after I got back to town…luckily I was able to spot that fire and we were able to seek fire department help before it got out of control), restaurant and entertainment options in town were extremely limited though being plentiful years ago, a bunch of cheesy murals were going up all over the place that said nothing to me (seriously, who is approving all of these murals in Red Bluff? They were fine at first here-and-there to spruce up the town, but now they seem to be taking over the town), and even though a recall election was in progress, I had a gut feeling that the recall wasn’t going to go anywhere. (How could it? The State’s demographics remain 2/3 devoted to a single party. I’m just saying that a State that only hears and takes action on one party’s voice and not the other’s is bound to drown out and ignore a large swath of problems.) I realized in that moment that I was done fighting for that place. California offered no refuge or voice for people like me. It offered only uphill battles that even on their best days were losing battles. No one in Sacramento (outside of the North State representatives) cared about towns like Red Bluff, and no one ever would. That much I have learned over the past few years. I was ready to move on.

After I made my decision, I had to sell my home. After meeting with several real estate agents, I actually chose my ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Gentry, to sell it. Why did I choose Jennifer to sell my house? Because all of the other agents I met with gave me low estimates on the value of my home. Jen was the only one who believed she could get top dollar for my house, the only one who seemed to really care about my dreams and what I was trying to accomplish, and you know what? She delivered. She got me to closing on a deal that was about $40,000 higher than what the next-best real estate agent said my home was worth. Jennifer is an excellent real estate agent, likely one of the best in Red Bluff. If you are trying to sell your home in the area, you should get a hold of her.

Anyways, while Jen discretely worked to sell my home, I had to figure out where I was moving to next. After a lot of research, I settled for New Hampshire as a potential move-candidate for the reasons that I’ve previously discussed. Still nostalgic and coming off my teaching career at Mercy, I was eager to find a similar school and get back to teaching. So, after a lot more internet research, I stumbled upon Mount Royal Academy in Sunapee, an independent Catholic school with a small town feel and tight-knit community that was very similar to the Mercy High School community in Red Bluff. I also stumbled upon a school in Concord that just seemed like a really upscale, quality Catholic high school.

I reached out to the Principals of both schools. The Principal at Concord didn’t seem to really care about my outreach, but the Principal at Mount Royal (a guy named Derek) immediately got back to me, letting me know that I would be in his and the staff’s prayers and that, though the school did not currently have any openings due to it being just the start of the academic year, I was always welcome to visit the school and discuss employment if I was in the area. We kept in touch and continued communicating. Over my lunch break, while Jen fluttered about my home, moving things around and getting the house ready for staging, I was sitting on my back porch, talking on the phone to Derek about the status of my move. Finally, my home sold, the move occurred, and through this road trip I had a chance to come out here, meet Derek, and see the school and area in person. And you know what? I really like it here. I can really see a future. It reminds me of the rural feel of the North State during the ‘good old days,’ when my family first moved to Red Bluff about 20 years ago. Before the fires, before the politics, before the craziness. The people in the Sunapee area are pragmatic and down-to-earth. They looked at me confused when I tried to explain what was going on in California (which is a good thing). I mean, it’s wonderful here. Just look at the place:

The school itself is very similar to the Sacred Heart/Mercy system. It is a K-12 institution, with the K-8 in one building and the high school in another building. There are around 200 students, equally split between K-8 and 9-12, and the school has an excellent Catholic identity. The school is growing and they are currently working towards adding an additional building/wing for the high school. The high school offers most of the same courses as Mercy, but also has other courses like Latin and Philosophy. They would be willing to let me coach cross country and track, and more-or-less teach what I was teaching at Mercy. And Derek is like a ginger doppelgänger of me, which is kind of crazy! We are the same height, same body-build, and even have similar beard and hair; but he is pale-skinned with red-blonde hair and I am tan-skinned with dark hair. Our meeting was fairly brief considering how far I drove (it lasted about 30 minutes), but we had already been talking for months prior to today. By the end of the meeting, we seemed to be on the same page in terms of potential for me working there and he told me to apply for a teaching position.

But here’s the thing, and it showed me that I still have a lot of unresolved trauma (PTSD) from what happened with Mercy: as I was touring the school, and seeing the typical Catholic-school facilities and wonderful students there who reminded me so much of my wonderful former students at Mercy, I started having a legitimate panic attack. I saw a school that for all intents and purposes was Mercy. And immediately, all of my bad memories about what happened over the 2019-2020 academic year started welling up inside of me, and I became afraid. What if I came here, and the same thing happened again and I had to watch more sad students and families being forced to let go of a beloved institution? What if I could not segregate what happened in the past from this current school, and the scarring from Mercy left me a worse teacher, bitter and unable to inspire? What if the students could not relate to me or what I carry in my heart, them being here in a place that never had to go through the insane situation I went through in Northern California? What if my teaching career really is just…over at this point, because I cannot stand to face the pain of the past? What if, even though being offered an opportunity to apply for a teaching career in a dream community, I could not accept it because, frankly, I have changed as a person and my life has changed so much since I was teaching?

What if I’ve moved on!?

I left my meeting on great terms, but with a feeling that I did not think I would be feeling when I went into the meeting. I felt distraught and very unsure of the future and whether or not I could teach again. I drove to Meredith, a town in the lake region of New Hampshire where I am spending the night, and during the drive I wished that I could speak with someone. I was especially wishing that I could speak with her, or that she would call. But no call was forthcoming. No call is ever forthcoming from her. I don’t know why I was even hoping for such a call. I ate dinner by myself, in a place just as beautiful as any on this trip. But…I was alone with my thoughts.

Perhaps the best thing to do for now is to let this go for a while. To let these fears of mine hopefully dissipate while I travel further and come to a decision whether I will be applying for this teaching job. So, in that sense, the timing on the next stage of the trip is perfect. Tomorrow I’m leaving New Hampshire and heading down to Villanova, Pennsylvania. I have some history and battlefields to visit – Valley Forge, Gettysburg, possibly Harper’s Ferry. And tomorrow evening I might be sharing a drink with a friendly face and fellow former-all-star of the Red Bluff community. It should be quite the cameo and morale shot-in-the-arm. After that, it’s time to visit the second state I’m considering for a move: Kentucky.

New Hampshire, you have been amazing! I cannot wait to come back here in one form or another, and we will just have to wait-and-see whether I resolve to move here.

Cheers,

Rob